Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
