I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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