You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Randomize
