you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
