i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
It's shark week go big or go home
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Randomize
