I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
tonight lets celebrate not being married
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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