Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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