My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
