just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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