New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I am midnight drunk by noon
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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