stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
