My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
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