there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
