Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
