You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
