so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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