I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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