Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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