Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
