Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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