it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
