Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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