She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
