So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
