and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I want to fling myself into the sun
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
