you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
