We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
