I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
