i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Is it penis luge time yet?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
