I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
