What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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