he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
