Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
