I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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