ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
