i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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