if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
