If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
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