I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
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I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
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Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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