Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
