I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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