I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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