He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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