Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
being pregnant is like rehab
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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