That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
