Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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