im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
