Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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