if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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