Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
