You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
