woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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