It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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