i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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