i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
