I think my vagina is haunted
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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