He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
