i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
