worst night to have a conscience
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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