Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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