hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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